put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
