Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
