this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
