some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
