I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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