he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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