I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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