just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
