You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
