I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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