Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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