No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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