Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
