i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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