We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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