i just wanna soil my oats bro
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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