Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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