Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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