My first STD was from a foam party
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
