We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
