I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
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