My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
