Just fell off a train. Bad.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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