I think I won the penis lottery.
Michael Bay diarrhea
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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