I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I did not marry a roomba.
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