i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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