I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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