dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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