I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
