The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
