I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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