...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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