You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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