you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
