four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
