I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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