mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
