there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
