I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
