i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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