I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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