I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
We are two peas in an std pod
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
40s are totally the cure
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
