How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
