everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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