It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
is that a dick in a sweater?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
