Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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