I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
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