he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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