I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize