9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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