Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
