his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
