there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
