I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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