I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
