Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
BRING THE BAGELS
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
