my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
