Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
