well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
