And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I lost the right to judge tonight
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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