Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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