i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Randomize
